The Pain of Loss
by Amplify. Your. Imagination
Summary: 'He had thought this through a thousand times and he knew it was what he would do. What was the reason for him to stay here? In this life so full of pain? It seemed that was all he felt anymore.' Slash OOC
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! Okay, so this has been and idea of mine for sometime now. I have wanted to do a Snape/Harry story forever. **

**Anyways, I hope you like it, and I hope it makes you all sad, but don't worry...the author informed me it wasn't a oneshot...lol XD**

**Dislaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. The master mind behing that plot was J.K. Rowling all the way.**

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Harry sat on the ledge of the glassless Astronomy Tower window. His legs were hanging over the side, his hands resting next to him. It was the middle of December and he was freezing, but he couldn't feel it. He hadn't felt much this year at all.

It was his seventh year in Hogwarts, and he had spent it studying for his N.E.W.T.s, ignoring everything else but his schoolwork. His friends were worried about him, the teachers as well, but he didn't really care. Not anymore; not since he had lost everyone he loved, one person in particular in a different way than the others.

It had been just before the end of sixth year. Dumbledore had died the beginning of that year due to a heart attack. He had had problems with his heart for some time but he had never worried about it. He figured he would die when the time came; for Harry, that time came to soon. After just losing Sirius, he had needed someone to go to, someone to tell him everything would be alright. His godfather, and his mentor since entering the wizarding world were dead, and he was all alone. He had no control over his own pain and he was tired of it.

In Harry's need for that control, he began cutting himself. Watching the razor slide across unmared flesh, splitting it open; blood seeping from the open wound like a waterfall of red, gave a sense of power he had never had before. And he loved it.

Everynight, he would come to the Astronomy Tower, sit with his legs dangling over the edge of the window, and cut his arms, legs, chest, stomach; at least three times, if not more. He would let the blood flow freely for a minute or two before healing the gash. He would make sure the scars would stay; he wanted a reminder of his control.

This continued for about 2 weeks after Dumbledore's death, before he was caught in the act. He had made the mistake of coming out after curfew and just as he had started on the second cut, so enraptured by the power flooding his veins, that he hadn't even noticed the door open and a man cloaked in all black walk up to him.

A hand had reached out to stop Harry from making his next slash, a deathly pale hand; one he knew form watching him chop up potion ingredients during class and in detentions. He had looked up into the coal black eyes of Severus Snape, as usual not seeing any emotion on the older man's face.

"What are you doing, Potter? Surely even you can't be melodramatic enough to off yourself? What good would that do?"

Harry hadn't replied, just set down his razor, murmured the healing charm he learned to keep the scars; yanked his wrist from the Potion Master's grasp, and left the tower.

He hadn't gone back for a few nights after that, hoping maybe to lull Snape into thinking he had stopped, but he should have known the Professor wasn't stupid enough to fall for that.

When he went back, Snape had been sitting on the window ledge, looking as if he had been waiting for him.

"You won't be cutting yourself again, Harry."

It had been the first time he had called Harry anything but his surname. His voice; that deep, velvety voice; had had a gentle touch to it. Nothing someone who hadn't heard him speak with only disdain would know, but all Harry had ever received from the man was hate; so he knew when something was different.

He had sat next to the man, albeit cautiously; they had sat there in silence for quite some time before Snape had said something that had shocked Harry so deeply he still sometimes had a hard time believing it had been said.

"I want you to come to me, when you fell the need to harm yourself again. I know I haven't been the nicest person, but I don't like seeing you hurt either."

Snape had seemed rather reluctant to voice such a thing, but he hadn't seemed insincere in his offer either. It was what had made Harry agree to it in the first place.

He had done what Snape had suggested; he had come to the Slytherin Head of House, when he felt the need for that control. He would usually be in tears by the time he got down to the man's rooms, needing that feeling, that power. He didn't know how or why it helped to be with the Potion's master, it just did. Maybe it was because Dumbledore had been his mentor as well and he missed the old man just as much as Harry did; though he would never admit to it.

Mostly, he went there every other night and Snape would talk him through it, and make him feel better about a lot of things. He couldn't believe this was the same man who had hated him his entire life because of his father. He was being kind...well as kind as Snape could be. He would reassure Harry that everything that had happened, happened for a reason. He might not have liked what occured, but the outcome would always be better in the end.

He coudn't pinpoint exactly when things went from Snape being his confidant and, dare he say, friend, to something more. He thought that maybe it started when, one night he had started to ask Snape a question, starting it off with 'Professor Snape'. He had quickly been cut off, the Potion's Master's tone surprisingly timid.

"Severus."

Harry had been confused for a moment, "What?"

"Call me Severus. It is my name after all."

Harry had sat stunned for a few minutes, before shaking himself out of it and smiling softly, "Severus."

The name had felt so good to say; he had forgotten what he had wanted to ask in the first place.

After that, there were subtle touches and soft words. Sometimes, Harry would come down, and they would sit in Severus' study talking about everything and nothing, all the while with the Potion's Master holding Harry in his arms. Later, when Harry was leaving for the night, he kissed Severus' cheek softly...before making a mad dash out of the room.

About a week after that, Severus had apparently had enough.

"Damn it Harry. I can't do this anymore."

Harry had immediately thought that he meant he didn't want him around anymore, but before he could put voice to any of his thought, Severus had noticed his expression and rushed to relinquish them.

He knelt down in front of Harry, taking the ebony haired boys' hands into his own, "I meant I can't keep doing this without you knowing how I feel Harry."

Harry had relaxed slightly and nodded at Severus for him to continue.

The older man took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "Harry, I...I want you. I haven't wanted anyone this way in a long time, but I want to be able to call you mine."

Harry had been shocked for a minute. Severus must have taken his silence as rejection, because his face had fallen momentarily before hardening. He had stood up and made to move away, but Harry regained his senses quick enough to stop him. He stood up swiftly, grabbing Severus' hips and pulling their bodies flush together.

"Don't you dare," he whispered before wrapping his hand around the back of the older man's nape, pulling his lips down to meet his own.

The kiss had been like nothing he had ever felt before. Their lips moved together, tongues twisting around the other; large, capable hands had moved down Harry's body to his arse, cupping the firm cheeks, kneeding them enticingly. Harry's hands were twined into Severus' hair, pulling gently at the strands. The kiss had quickly escalated from gently but firm to fiercely passionate.

Severus was the first to break away, much to Harry's disappointment, "Harry, I want you, right now."

"Then take me. Make me yours." Harry panted out his reply. He locked eyes with his, hopefully, soon-to-be-lover, trying to show him he meant what he said. Severus searched for that approval, and having found it, used his leverage on Harry's arse to left him up; Harry instinctavely wrapping his legs around the older man's waist. Severus walked them to the bedroom and kicked the door closed behind him.

That had been Harry's first time with anyone. Harry had been rather self-concious at first; there were scars all over his body from the razor he used to frequent. Severus had gone slow, tracing every scar on his body with his fingers, then his tongue; Harry was sure his entire body had felt the lips of that man. When the time came, slow, drawn out thrusts were made into his writhing body and they had cried out each others' names as they came togethor, before falling asleep wrapped securely in a mass of arms and legs.

Harry had spent the rest of his 6th year blissfully happy with the man he was falling in love with. He would spend as much time as possible with Severus, though most of the time he would be studying or doing homework as the older man worked on some potion or another. But what they were doing didn't matter; what mattered was that they were together. And before they would fall asleep each night, they would make love. Severus had even aloud Harry to enter his body from time to time; though Harry much prefered feeling his lover's hard cock thrust into his willing body, he was happy Severus trusted him enough to know Harry wouldn't hurt him.

The summer was spent at the Dursley's, exchanging letters via owl post to one another. Though his summer sucked do to his location, talking to Severus helped a lot. He had long since told the man what went on when he was there. In turn, Severus had told him what he could about his childhood; the fact the he didn't like to talk about it at all, made Harry love the man even more.

Thankfully, after a summer full of chores, foodless days, and letters from his friends and Severus, the school year started. He still had to deal with Voldemort, but he knew what he had to do with that situation, so he wasn't to worried any more.

Unfortunately, Harry life decided to take a turn for the worst; and it was all his fault it happened. Him and his big mouth.

Harry rememebered it like it had happened just yesterday.

It had been his first night back in Hogwarts and he had Severus were laying in bed together, having just finished a rather wonderful reunion. He had missed the warm body of his lover terribly and couldn't be happier to have him again.

Before he could stop himself, he said the one thing that was probably the worst thing he could have said to Severus Snape. Three little words that would ruin his happiness.

"I love you," He hd whispered against the skin on the older man's naked chest, tightening his arm around his lover.

Severus had stiffened immediately, moving himself out from under Harry's body. His entire body language turned cold, defensive.

"I think you should leave."

With that little sentence, Harry felt tears well up in his eyes. "Please don't make me leave. I'm sorry if I upset you. I hadn't-"

Severus apparently didn't want to hear it.

"I don't care what you meant. I want you to leave." He was slipping on his robe, not even looking at Harry now.

"Why? What did I do wrong?"

Severus sighed dramatically. He didn't turn around to look at Harry sitting on his bed, speaking as if the last months had never happened. "I should have known you would take this farther then it would ever go. I can't believe you fell in love with me like some naive teenage girl would their first lover. This never would have gone farther than fucking Harry. I'm shocked you don't know me better, after all these years."

Harry couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe what he had just heard. But, as he watched Severus walk from the room, saying Harry needed to leave now, he knew Severus meant it. He really should have known better.

Harry numbly moved to gather his clothes, slowly pulling them on; he was still holding on to the hope that maybe Severus would change his mind.

But all stalling did was cause him more heart ache.

He walked out into the living room of Severus' rooms. Severus was sitting on the couch, nonchalantly reading a book.

"This has been fun, Harry. But it has to end. I have no time for a child who fancies himself in love with me."

Harry just about collapsed from the pain he felt at that statment. "Why are you doing this? Don't you care for me at all?"

Severus looked contemplative for a moment and there was something in his eyes that told Harry that maybe he wasn't to far off the mark, but it was quickly replaced with his usual cold mask.

"No. I only offered my time to you in the beginning because I promised Dumbledore I would take care of you. I have done my part...apparently to well."

"But you shared things about yourself with me; let me in farther than most have ever gotten. How can all of what we've had be because of a promise?" Harry was almost to the point of hyperventilating and he was having such a hard time breathing that he could see black spots in vision; all tell tale signs of passing out any minute now. He had to get the hell out of here.

Severus looked as if he was getting impatient now. He stepped towards Harry, and for a minute, the hope came back, but it was shot down as quickly as it had come.

"Harry, I couldn't very well expect you to open up to me if I just asked about you; I had to give away some information as well. Besides, I had to say something to get you into my bed. You have gotten nowhere near as close to me as you think. The only thing I feel for you is physically; but by the way your acting now, that desire is almost completely deminished. Now, if you are done, would you please leave me alone? I have much better things to do with my time than watch you work yourself up over nothing." He was talking to Harry as if he were slow, trring to make him comprehend he didn't want him.

Harry couldn't think of anything else to say, wasn't coherent enough through the pain of losing another person he loved to think of anything to say. All he did was walk to the door and once it was open; he ran. Running, running, running; he didn't stop running until he felt he was far enough away from the dungeons. He saw a space up ahead, not very deep, but hidden away enough that no one would know he was there.

He sat in the alcove, bringing his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around them; rocking himself back and forth. He cried as he never had before, sobs ripping up his throat and out his mouth. He was glad he had remembered a silencing charm; it wouldn't do any good for someone to find him this way.

This hurt worse than losing Dumbledore, even Sirius, had. Sirius had been the first person who actually saw him as family because his father had been like a brother to the man. Sirius hadn't just been a godfather to him, he had been like his father. Dumbledore had been there for him since the day he entered the wizarding world. He had been there for him after Sirius' death, letting him destroy his office. He had done everything he could to keep Harry safe, even if there were a few mistakes on the way. Even going so far as to ask the man who had hated him simply for existing to take care of him. He wasn't sure anymore if that had been a good thing or not.

But this...this was far worse than that had been. This felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and stomped on in front of him, leaving nothing more than a bloody mess at his feet and a gapping hole in its place. His heart had stayed with the man who had brought him back to life just to kill him all over again.

About a month later, Voldemort had decided to end this once and for all, leading an attack against Hogsmeade, planning to head up to Hogwarts to finish it. He had finshed it alright; just not with the outcome he had expected.

He had fallen at the gates of Hogwarts with a long knife protruding from his chest; his death at the hands of a muggle item. Harry had hit his heart dead center, and the Death Eaters had been so overcome with pain from the Dark Mark vanishing that seizing them had been easy. He had watched as his love had fallen to his knees, cluching his forearm; Severus had dropped his mask long enough to scream at the seering pain shooting through his body. He had desperately wanted to go to him and hold him through the pain. It must have been worse for it to disappear than it had been to receive. Peter Pettigrew had been captured, and even though he was no longer alive, Sirius' name was finally cleared. Harry only wished he had been there to be able to revel in the freedom.

After that, everything had gone back to normal, well as normal as it ever had been for him. He was thrust back into the spotlight, the very place he hated; praised for saving them all. Harry had tuned most of that out, not in the mood to hear any of it. He had done what he had to do; he saved the people he loved, that was all he cared about.

So now, Harry had no reason to be here. He smiled sadly down at the letter in his pocket; it was to Severus when they found his body.

He stood slowly, carefully, seeing as his legs and arms had gone numb from the cold. He didn't want to fall before he was ready. He had thought this through a thousand times and he knew it was what he would do. What was the reason for him to stay here? In this life so full of pain? It seemed that was all he felt anymore. The pain of loss more often than not. He didn't want to feel it anymore. Besides, the wizarding world had got what they wanted; Voldemort was defeated. Who was there to miss him anymore, to need him around?

Sure, Hermione and Ron might miss him, but throughout the last few months those two had gotten together and as they drifted closer, Harry drifted farther away. They would have each other, they wouldn't need him anymore. He didn't have many other friends to worry about missing him; the one person he wwanted to miss him would probably be happy to be rid him. The Slytherins would probably rejoice in the news of his death. He knew at least Draco would; he was responsible for his father's current 10 year imprisonment (not long enough in Harry's opinion) after all.

Harry took a deep breath, inhaling the cold winter air one last time. It felt good rushing into his lungs, replenishing his air supply; not that he would need it to much longer.

Harry looked down at the ground below him, noting how far of a fall it would be. But, surpirisingly, he couldn't bring himself to be afraid. All his pain would be over soon.

He took one last look at the door behind him, as if will alone could bring Severus to him, to come in and stop him; but after a minute, he gave up on that hope as well. Severus had saved his life once, more than once, because eventually, he would have killed himself with that razor; and now, because of his own naive mind and heart, he would finally die.

No...he would finally have peace.

With that thought in his head, Harry let his eyes fall closed, just as he let his body fall from the window ledge. The air whistled around him as he fell, down, down, down.

When he hit the ground, he passed out from the pain in his body; but to him, it was his salvation.

'I love you, Severus Snape.'

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**Well? What do you think? I hope you like it. **

**I realize I have this kind of...fetish so to speak, with Harry being the victim in my angsty stories. I just can't picture Harry being the one to hurt anyone, be it intentional or otherwise. **

**Nevertheless, I hope I don't disappoint anyone with this story, though it probably won't be very long. I can never make my angst stories last all that long.**

**As always, review and tell me what you think. XD Thank you.**

**Love,**

**Kitkat**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Well, here it is. I am not sure I am all that satisfied with it, but hey, that is up to you all. Anyway, I hadn't know what exactly to do but I got an idea from _Born 2 B A Vampire_, Thank you for that by the way, but you all have to read it to find out what it was.**

**Anyway, Here goes nothing.**

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The outside of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was stiff and cold. No breeze to be felt; simply frigid air that hung lifelessly in the atmosphere. Almost as if it could sense the foreboding surrounding the students and staff inside the school and was mimicking their moods.

Hermione Granger sat at the Gryffindor table amongst her friends, not really paying attention to the conversations around her. She was too preoccupied with trying to pinpoint just what that morning felt utterly _wrong_. Though it seemed as if the more she thought about, the more the answer eluded her.

That is, until she heard what Ron was saying.

"Harry's bed looked the way it had yesterday morning, like he hadn't slept it in it last night." Ron's voice sounded concerned. Harry wasn't at the table with them either.

Hermione realized what was bothering her just as an ear piercing screech was heard throughout the Great Hall. As it reverberated around the room, Hermione was out the doors, following the direction that the next scream came from. As her feet took her closer and closer to the entrace of the school, breathing became a harder feat; the dread knotting her stomach tightly.

She rounded the last corner, not paying any mind to the footsteps following her, and stopped in front of a crying first year Hufflepuff.

He stopped screaming the moment he saw her, "I-he- Harry Potter..."

Hermione didn't listen to the rest of the boy's sobbed explanation. She walked slowly towards out the door of the entrance, her breath catching in a sob at the sight that greeted her.

Harry lay face first on the ground, crumpled and broken in a puddle of his own blood. His arms and legs were bent in odd directions; his spinal cord had caved in. His neck looked as if it survived the fall, thankfully, the blood had probably come from where his nose had been smashed into the concrete. Harry barely even looked to be breathing. It was terrifying sight.

With tears streaming in riveluts down her cheeks, she stumbled shakily to his side, her knees buckling as she knelt next to him.

"Harry..." She sobbed softly, reaching out a hand to feel for his pulse point.

She sobbed harder when she found it, however weak it may be. She couldn't contain the relief she felt rush over her like a tidal wave.

"He's alive. Gods, he's alive." She felt a hand rest softly on her shoulder, pulling her backwards. She looked to find Ron next to her, in tears as well. She threw her arms around him, holding on to him for dear life.

All she could do was cry and pray to whoever would listen that Harry made it. She couldn't lose the only brother she had ever had.

~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~

Classes had been canceled for the day and all the students had been informed that they weren't to leave go anywhere outside of their common rooms. They had only been informed of a student being hurt and that they would have more information later.

They had levitated Harry's body to the hospital wing just as it was. Any major movement could have seriously damaged his chances of surviving. That had been about 5 hours ago and Poppy had yet to come out from behind the curtin surrounding Harry's bed.

No one said much as they waited for the news on Harry's condition. Ron and Hermione had refused to leave, not that it came as much of a surprise to anyone. But what had surprised them was Severus's decision to stay.

Severus wasn't sure why he had wanted to stay. Maybe he still felt responsible for Harry; maybe he just wanted to rub it in his face that he had failed in his attempt to take his own life.

He refused to believe the little voice in his head that told him it was because he was worried Harry might not make it.

He sighed almost inaudibly, remembering the image Harry had made outside splayed across the ground, bloody and mangled. He had to withold the shudder that worked its way up his spine.

He thought about the night he told Harry that he was to come to him whenever he had felt the need to cut himself. Dumbledore had really asked him to keep Harry safe, but he hadn't meant it to be hands-on. But he had really done it because he had seen the way Harry had been acting, and had struck when he was most vulnerable. He was going to get revenge by hurting the boy the way his father had hurt him. Some may say it was a little over the top but he felt he deserved to be the one to cause him pain for all the misery he went through after he had lost James to Lily.

Contrary to what many believed, he hadn't loved Lily. He had loved James. James had been his for most of his school life as well but when 7th year had come, James had broken it off with Severus to finally persue the one he had truly wanted. It had crushed him to know he had just been a time consumer and when Harry had come to Hogwarts, he had vowed to do the same thing to him if ever given the chance. And as if Merlin himself had finally answered his requests, he had gotten the chance

He had to admit he was shocked when Harry had come to his door that first night, not completely comprehending Harry was that naive as to believe that Severus wouldn't have an alterior motive, but he had let him in and listened to him whine nonetheless.

He had let Harry come to him a lot the next few months and he could see the boy coming to depend on him more and more, could see the emotion changing into something different; something deeper. It had been exactly what Severus had wanted.

When the time had come to take things further, it hadn't been all that hard. As a matter a fact, all he had to do was tell the boy to call him by his first name and everything had changed on its own. Sure he had to tell Harry that he wanted him, but other than that, everything went smoothly. And it wasn't like it was hard to be attracte to Harry. He looked like his father in a lot of ways, but he had a lithe little body, delicately muscled and perfect, where as his father had been tall and broad, manly; and those damn green eyes that twinkled softly in the light, or when he looked at Severus. So, getting hard for the brat was almost pathetically easy.

His plan was almost complete. Now all he had to do was wait for the boy to say those three little words. The words that he had said that had made the truth about his and James's relationship finally come to light.

Though, it was during the summer that he found himself almost _missing_ the boy's company. He would find himself thinking of what Harry might be doing, if those muggle family members of his were treating him alright. He would stop that train of thought immedialy, as well the feeling of loneliness as it crept into his conscious thought process, telling himself he just needed something else to occupy his time. He found a few bed partners over those months, again brushing the unwanted guilt away. Though none of his one-night-stands ever felt as good as Harry had.

When school started up again, he had almost rejoiced in seeing Harry again, as sick as the feeling made him. That night, he had spent an extra amount of time touching his body, searching for bruises or anything to suggest that Harry had been hurt; by himself or his family.

Finally, the moment he had waited for had come. Harry had whispered that he loved him...and Severus hadn't wanted to tell the boy the truth. He hadn't wanted to let go of him.

So, instead of doing what he originally planned, telling Harry the truth of why he had done any of this, he had simply told him that he shouldn't have believed this would ever be more than a fuck, that Harry had barely made a dent in him; though it had been a lie.

Watching Harry run from the room that night with tears in his eyes had almost made him call Harry back and tell him he hadn't meant it. But he hadn't. He had let Harry go, knowing now that he had finally broken the boy, that he now knew what Severus had felt all those years ago. But it hadn't brought the victorious feeling it should have. Instead, it brought only regret, and pain.

The death of the Dark Lord had been unexpectedly quick and incredibly painful. The pain of the dark mark disappearing was enough to make him drop to his knees and scream loud and long. He hadn't even screamed when he had gotten it.

He remembered being horribly worried about Harry making it through. Severus knew that Harry was a horcrux, although Harry didn't; he sometimes wondered if the Dark Lord could come back through him. When Harry had made it unscathed, he had let out a sigh of relief, wanting to pull him into his arms, but realizing that Harry wasn't his anymore. But he wasn't meant to think of Harry as his, now was he?

That had been about two months ago. Now, when he thought that Harry might die today, he felt fear and regret clench his heart tightly, restricting it from beating. He didn't understand why though. Harry didn't mean anything to him. Just a means to an end. Right?

He was pulled from his thoughts by the curtains being pulled open. He wondered momentarily how long he had been lost in thought but stopped caring when Poppy opened her mouth.

"He'll survive with little more than a few bruises. I manged to heal his legs and arms though his back was a bit more difficult. I am relieved to say that he won't suffer and long term nerve damage, seeing as how somehow his luck stopped his spinal cord from severing completely. His nose was smashed, but it will only have a slight bump in it from now on. He will have a few scars on his face from the rocks that had been imbedded into his skin. He had massive interneal bleeding in as many organs," she stopped for a moment to sigh sadly. She really seemed to love that boy. "So many that I really don't want to list them all. All of his ribs had splintered, some of the bones puncturing his lungs. His scull as well as his neck made it, surprisingly. His hands and feet were just about shattered in the fall, but again, I managed to keep it from affecting him to much. Gods, it is a good thing they've created spells to fix all of this. I don't know how he survived, but he did. That's all that matters."

With all that being said, she started to walk off. But Severus had one more question to ask.

"When will he be awake?" She turned around, surprised that Severus Snape had been the one to ask that particular question.

"He should wake within the next few days, Professor Snape."

Severus gave a curt nod and walked swiftly from the room. He didn't want to see the boy. He just had to make sure he was alright. After all, Dumbledore had asked him too.

~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~

Harry was swimming in blissful darkness, smooth a satin against his skin, warm as he imagined his mother's arms would have be. Gods, he could get used to this. He felt safe and loved here, almost as if this had always been how he felt. He couldn't remember much of how he got here, but he knew he had done it himself.

Slowly, he felt the darkness abate, leaving him cold and alone again. He wanted it to come back, but no matter how much he wished, it just kept drifting away. He reached out, trying to grip it, but it was already gone.

Harry opened his eyes reluctantly, not wanting to believe it hadn't worked. Why couldn't he ever do anything right?

"Harry!"

He squinted in the direction the voice had come, feeling gently arms wrap around him. He inhaled softly and immediately knew it was Hermione.

"It didn't work then?"

She pulled back and narrowed her eyes at him, "Why did you try to kill yourself? I think you probably scarred that poor Hufflepuff boy for the rest of his life."

He winced slightly at the thought of the poor kid seeing him like the right mess he had no doubt looked. He sighed softly, knowing he would have to tell her sometime.

"Hermione, I'm tired of only feeling the pain of life instead of the happiness. I've lost everyone I've ever loved, well besides you, Ron and Remus, but everyone else is gone. I just couldn't take it anymore. Not after the last loss I had to face." His voice had trailed off into a whisper during the last part. He knew now he would really have to explain.

"Who, Harry? Does it have anything to do with why you had been sneaking off last year?" Her voice was soft, though her curiousity was getting the better of her.

"I fell in love with someone Hermione. Someone who could never love me back. I was naive with my heart and I lost it painfully. I didn't know what to do anymore." Harry's voice never lifted from more than a whisper. He wasn't sure how Hermione would take knowing who it was.

"Its Professor Snape isn't it?"

Harry looked at her in shock. How had she known that?

"How did you know that?"

Hermione smiled softly at him. Harry was the most open person she knew. It wasn't hard to tell something had been going on with him and the Potion Master by the way he had looked at him throughout potions.

"Harry, I've known you for seven years. I would like to think that I could tell when and who your in love with."

He looked up at her hesitantly, afraid to see rejection there. He loved his friends, it was why he hadn't told them anything. He didn't want to lose them.

A small hand grabbed his chin and pulled it upward, "Harry, you're my best friend, my brother. I'll love you no matter what." Hermione smiled softly at Harry's teary smile.

Harry was suddenly hit with the urge to sleep. He yawned widely, bringing his hand up to cover his mouth. Hermione just chuckled softly.

"I'll let you get some sleep. And remeber, no matter what happens, I'll always be here for you, Harry. We can get through anything together." She softly kissed his forhead before exiting out of the curtains, closing them behind her.

Harry was asleep in minutes.

~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~

Within the next few days, Harry was visited by quite a few people. The Headmistress, Hermione and Ron obviously, Remus stopped by for a time as well, Luna and quite a few of his friends in Gryffindor; but not the person he wanted. Never the person he wanted.

Harry didn't know what to do now. He had wanted to leave this world forever, not fail in his attempts. He knew why he had though and it wasn't because he had done anything wrong.

Dumbledore had added Suicide wards around the school. They would have deminished when the former Headmaster died, except for McGonagall reinforcing them. Harry had been kept alive by the magic in the school and he realized that he would have to leave if he ever wanted to succeed in his mission.

Suddenly, Harry knew what he would do. He would leave. He would go far away where no one would know how to get ahold of him. Of course, he would have Hermione, Ron and Remus know where he was once he discovered where he would go himself. But he couldn't stay here anymore, not having to see Severus everyday.

With that thought in mind he started to plan. He would stay long enough for everyone to trust he would pull any more stunts and he would make his move.

He sighed softly. Yes, this is what he would have to do. The only way he would get peace. The only way.

* * *

**Well there it is. I know it could have been better, but I wanted to get this out for you guys. The next chapter will probably have a short time skip, but nothing to drastic just yet. **

**Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed it, and a special thank again to _Born 2 B A Vampire_ for the idea of Harry leaving. It really saved me there.**

**As always, review and tell me what you think.**

**Love,**

**Kitkat**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys... Don't hate me. I have had so much shit to deal with the last few weeks and I haven't found the time to write much. I know this chapter is pathetically short too, which doesn't help me out much, I know. But either way, here is a next installment... sort of a filler chapter... **

**Disclaimer. I own Nothing. :(**

* * *

Harry was gone.

As the thought lingered in Severus's mind while he paced his study, he found it more and more difficult to grasp fully the more he walked; the worry he felt about the brat's safety blocking anything else. He had to shake his head multiple times to clear it as he thought of Harry's disappearance.

It had been about 2 months since Harry's suicide attempt. When he had come out of the infirmary, he had acted as if it had never happened. He had gone back to his old habits; sitting with Granger and Weasley during meals, eating more, and going to classes. To the untrained eye, he would have looked like he did before Severus had ended their relationship; happy. But not to Severus.

Severus saw right through Harry's little facade; saw the glamours hiding the dark circles beneath his eyes, the spark that used to reside in Harry's jade green eyes no longer exsistent. Even knowing the boy was faking all of this, he still couldn't believe he would disappear in the dead of the night with nothing but his broom, a photo album Severus was almost positive held a picture of himself, his invisibility cloak, and a change of clothing.

He had been sitting at the Head Table that morning eating breakfast and sneering as he let his eyes wander the room when two members of the Golden Trio walked into the Great Hall, eyes immediately going to the Gryffindor table, scanning the span of it.

Apparently they hadn't seen who they were looking for because they headed quickly to the teacher's table, right to Headmistress McGonagall. Severus had had to listen hard to what was said, but when he heard the two simple words leave Granger's mouth, he admitted to feeling slightly panicked before composing himself.

"Harry's gone."

Minerva had looked incredulous for only a moment before noting the distress on the childrens' faces and getting up quickly to lead the two back to Gryffindor tower.

She had searched the tower, finding only a small note stuck to her door saying that Harry needed some time alone and he would owl them when when he settled in somewhere.

He may have said he needed time alone but Severus knew what the damned boy was up to; he had left to get out of the suicide wards. He was going to attempt to off himself again, most likely succeeding with no one there to stop him.

The thought that Harry would achieve his goal, if Severus were honest with himself, terrified him. He knew he had to find the boy, if only to make sure he got to say goodbye first.

Severus paused his pacing at that thought. Could he really bring himself to find Harry just to let him kill himself anyway? The answer was simple: no, he couldn't. If Severus was going to spend his time looking for the damnable brat he would have to think of a way to convince Harry not to got through with it.

He didn't know when, or how, it happened but he had...come to care for the boy between when he had put his plan into motion to now. The unsufferable brat had weaseled his way into Severus's heart and it annoyed him to no end.

He sighed heavily, shook his head and walked into his Potion's lab; he had left one to brew for a few hours. He had been experimenting with a new batch of a Find-Me potion; one strong enough to find anyone, just by adding something that belonged to them.

Immediately after walking into the room, he noticed a blank white envelope sitting on his brewing table. He walked towards it cautiously, pulling his wand out in the process. Being a spy had taught him to be exceedingly careful around suspicious looking things. He checked that his potion was brewing correctly before checking the letter for any spells or jinxs. Once he dubbed it clear, he picked up the letter, opened it slowly and unfolded the paper inside.

He saw the hand writing and knew in an instant who this letter was from. He began reading, hoping for a hint at where the boy would be.

_Dear Severus,_

_By now I am sure you have been informed of my absence. I also realize you probably don't care. But either way, I wanted to write this to you before I left._

_I remember the first night you found me in the tower, stopped me cutting myself again, from spilling more blood. I remember thinking that your offer was a joke, knowing you hated me. I remember our first real conversation, the first time you held me, my first real kiss, our first time making love. Everything that happened... made me fall deeper in love with you._

_Wonder why I am telling you this? I do too as I sit here writing it. I thought about a lot of things before I decided to leave. Why you had played me. Why I believed you. But, I digressed that it was because you wanted revenge and I wanted something I knew I could never have. Not being Harry Potter. Fate doesn't me deserving of love in my life._

_I tell you this because I want you to know you succeeded. You got your revenge against my father, a grudge I won't even begin to try to understand. I do know, though, that it wasn't because you hated him. You loved him, didn't you? You wanted me to feel the pain you felt, didn't you? Wanted me to love you so you could snatch it all away from me when the time came. You did it correctly. You broke the last part of me that was left to be broken. The part that had yet to be touched._

_I don't know what you'll think of this, I don't know if I even guessed correctly. But no matter. You got your wish, love. I'll be out of your life, and everyone elses soon enough. I hope one day you look back on this letter and you realize the mistake you made. Realize that, if given the chance, I could have made you a happy man._

_I'll love you eternally, Severus Snape. I"ll always be yours._

_Harry Potter._

Severus read and re-read the letter over and over again before it finally registered to him that he was crying. Why, he couldn't, and wouldn't, think about. He didn't want to regret what he had done, but he had a feeling he would.

He knew only one thing for sure as he set the letter back down on the table, not bothering with wiping his tears away, and went back to stir his potion. He would find Harry. Even if it killed him, he would stop the boy from killing himself. If only to know the boy was alive and well somewhere.

Yes, he decided, even if it was the last thing he did.

~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~

Harry sighed as he watched the sky fly by as he rode his broom farther and farther away from the place he had called home for so long. He would miss Hogwarts, though not for long. He had no intention of staying alive long enough for them to find him.

He realized this was not what a Gryffindor would do, killing himself was cowardly in the eyes of many, but the sorting hat wanted to put him in Slytherin for a reason, didn't it? He just didn't think he could handle living with this...emptiness anymore. There was no pain anymore besides the small pang that went through him at the thought of Severus's last words to him, no happiness, love, hate... just nothingness. It was worse than being Crucio'd to death.

He would be free soon. He would see his parents and Sirius and Dumbledore again... than he would be happy. Finally, he would feel something again.

* * *

**I know, it wasn't nearly as good as it could have been. I just wanted to get something out here to let you all know I was alive still and what was going to happen in the next few chapters. Its no excuse I know, but it is something. I hope you all like it and if you don't, I can take the flames. *sniffle* Maybe. lol**

**Click that little review button for me would you... Well since you are there already, leave me your thoughts. ;)**

**love,**

**Kitkat**


	4. Chapter 4

***Ducks in cover as the rotting vegetables fly* Hi guys. I know I haven't updated in a long ass time but I had to finish state wide testing and school work and... Ugh! Life has just been shitty lately. I hope you all can forgive me and maybe are continuing to read my stories. I hope this chapter makes up for the wait and I will try like hell to have another chapter up as soon as possible. **

**I own nothing, by the way.**

**On with the show!**

* * *

It was finally done.

It had taken two days, but Severus had finally perfected the Find-me potion. He had Harry's school robe sitting next to the cauldron in his lab, ready to be used in the next few minutes. He could only hope that he would get to Harry in time.

The last two days had been hell around Hogwarts. The school had been informed of Harry's absence, no one believing Harry in the note he left. Strangely enough, Blaise Zabini had been the first to volunteer to help find the boy, followed by, more surprisingly so, Draco Malfoy. Severus had been completely baffled at the turn of events and had pulled his students into his office the night before to ask of their inevitable ulterior motive.

Their answer had left his squabbling to keep his composure.

Draco had said, "Sir, the Gryffindors might have been stupid enough not to see what had been going on between the two of you, but most of the Slytherins saw the look you would give Potter when he walked down the hallway or sat in the Great Hall. Don't think we really care if the twit lives, because that isn't even close to the truth, but we know you deserve happiness. And as loath as we are to condone it, he made you happy, even when you didn't realize it. We'll do what we can to get him back, for the sake of your sanity."

Blaise had added, "We don't understand what you see in him, but with the life you've survived, someone to love you as you do them is the most important thing you could recieve."

Severus hadn't said it aloud, but even as his mind denied it, his heart had agreed. He did want someone to love him, though he never expected it to happen. He wasn't horribely unattractive, but his personality left something to be desired. He was snarky, cruel, sarcastic, and sometimes he though his soul was too tainted with pain, shame, and guilt to ever love anyone else.

He still wouldn't admit to being wrong on that matter.

With the potion finally done, he slowly let the robe sink into the cauldron. It began to bubble around the edges, steam coming from the liquid inside. The white color it started as began to shift and change into something darker, something that resembled Harry's beautiful jade green eyes. Suddenly, a bubble floated up and out of the cauldron, hovering a few inches above it. It changed shape, taking on the form of words. Words that looked so innocent, so unharmful; but in reality, the words had the ability to control life or death for a certain green-eyed Gryffindor.

Severus's mouth formed the words just as the bubbled popped, leaving nothing left to hover in the air.

_Godric's Hollow._

The place his parents had died trying to protect him. The place Harry had gotten his scar, his name, his entire life.

Now, he was going there to die.

Well, not if Severus had anything to say about it.

~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~

Harry stared around the place where everything was irrevocably changed from the happy life he'd had with his parents for a few short months to something that made him shudder in response to thinking of it. One thing he had never told Severus about his time with the Dursley's were the beatings he recieved before he started at Hogwarts. Every time he dropped something by accident, didn't do a chore the way they wanted it done, or worst of all, when he started doing accidental magic at an incredibly early age, his uncle would take him in the garage and show him just how unhappy Harry's mistakes had made him. It stopped after he went to school, his uncle too afraid of the repercussions of his actions to continue. But even though the outward signs of abuse were gone, the emotional scars were as strong as ever.

Harry was only grateful his uncle thought him too disgusting, an opinion he made sure Harry knew well, to ever touch him in any way sexually. Well, that being only one of the two reasons for his decision. The other simply because he found poofs to be worth nothing more than the gum on the bottom of his shoe, to be no less disgusting than it as well.

Now, as he stared around the place that led to his parents demise, he could only feel relief. His parents had died here, his life had begun here. Why not end it here as well? This place was now only a means to an end. His job was done, his life could end now that he had nothing to live for.

Harry walked slowly up the stairs to the nursery he had yet to lay eyes on, but somehow knew was up here. His hand ran up the railing as his feet lifted, one step at a time, climbing higher and higher. Someone had restored this house after the spectacle that occured here nearly 17 years earlier. It looked as good as new, not a spec of dust to be found on anything that resided in the old home.

Finally reaching the landing at the top of the stairs, he turned to the right, down a narrow hallway, following the pull of magic that told him this was where Voldemort had ruined everything.

He pushed open the door to the nursery that used to belong to him, seeing the pictures still hanging on the wall, stopping to inspect one with Remus, Sirius, and his parents all surrounding himself as a baby. His eyes were wide and blinking back at him, his mother's hand was stoking over his cheek, his father was holding onto his little fingers, and Sirius and Remus were playing with his toes. The sight of it made the corners of his mouth kick up into a soft smile. He would be with his family again soon.

His fingers stroked reverently over the picture for a moment before he moved onto the next few. They were all much the same. Harry's little body being the center of attention, whether it be his parents or all four members of his family.

Yes, he thought, the room Voldemort hadn't succeeded in killing him in would make a perfect place to finish what the snake-faced bastard had started years ago.

"You were still the center of attention, even as an infant." The voice that spoke the words had him coming to a dead stop in the middle of the room, his back to the door, his heart hammering in his chest, and tears pricking his eyes. He knew that voice. It was the voice that haunted his nightmares and his dreams, bringing him pleasure while causing him pain, making his heart jump to his thoat while it broke. The voice of the man he loved more than life.

Severus Snape had found him.

"What are you doing here?" Harry's voice sounded lifeless to his own ears; he wondered what Severus heard.

"Stopping you from doing something foolish; what else is there to do when it comes to you?" Severus asked, his words mocking Harry. He had called Harry foolish for loving him the last time they were alone. Harry guessed some things never changed.

"Well, you wasted your time. You won't stop me." He replied. He hated that this man still had the ability to bring emotions back to him even after all this time. He hadn't felt anything since he was told he wasn't loved back by said man. Severus shouldn't have come here.

"Oh, but Harry, I will stop you. I stopped you from continuing cutting your arms to shreds; I'm confident I can succeed in this task as well." Harry wished Severus wouldn't bring that up. It was bad enough his plan was postponed due to the older man's sudden appearance.

The next second he felt a large hand grip his arm, turning him around to finally face the man that had torn his heart from his chest and shattered what remained of his soul. He forced his gaze to stay on Severus's chest, not looking into the eyes that he felt as though he could drown in.

Severus looked down at the top of Harry's head and felt regret, anger and self-hatred mix together in his chest. He hated admitting what he had done was wrong, but he knew it was. He hadn't meant to fall for the boy- no, the young man- standing in front of him. It had started as a means to an end, but had escalated to so much more. He knew in that moment that he couldn't let Harry keep believing that he wasn't loved, wasn't desired by him.

He knew it would take a while to earn Harry's trust back, the trust that had taken so long for him to get, but he would do what he had to to keep this man in his arms.

He let his fingers move under Harry's chin, tilting his head up, forcing the shorter man to meet his eyes. Those green depths glittered in pain, pain he knew he put there, pain he knew would take a long time to erase.

"Harry..." He whispered his name, lowering his head, slanting his lips over Harry's unmoving ones. He kept the kiss gentle, searching, hopeful that he would feel Harry's respond.

When he pulled back a few seconds later, he felt Harry subtly push closer, his hands coming up to press into his chest. He thought maybe Harry was trying to pull him closer.

He was caught entirely by surprise, though, when Harry shoved hard, pushing him back and almost causing him to topple over if he hadn't caught himself before he could.

Severus looked at Harry in shock as he stood there, his chest rising and falling roughly as his breath came harder, anger glittering in his eyes now.

"You think you can just come in here, kiss me, and everything will be all better? You think that it will stop me from doing what I came here to do?" His words were spoken slowly, enunciating each of them as though he were talking to a small child.

Severus narrowed his eyes and said, "That wasn't what I was thinking at all."

"Well, it sure as fuck seemed like it!" Harry shouted at him. "All you just did was make it worse. Mocking me by kissing me, thinking you will get what you want by doing it."

Severus realized then where he had gone wrong. He had kissed Harry right after telling him he would stop him from killing himself, that he was confident he could stop Harry like he had before. He wanted to slap himself for his stupidity.

Fuck, how the hell was he going to fix this?

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**Well? What did you guys think? I know I'm leaving you guys on a bad note here, but it gives me an excuse to update quicker knowing I have people depending on me to end the suspense. Let me know if you guys liked it. **

**love,**

**Kitkat**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! :D I know it's been a while since I updated, but I hope this makes up for my absence. It might not be what you all expected, but it plans out into the story this way. I think you guys will be alright with it when you see where I'm going with it in later chapters. So, here you go! **

**I own nothing. :(**

* * *

Severus stared at Harry from across the room, feeling his heart pound in his chest, his breath coming quicker as his mind worked to find a way to explain to Harry why he had kissed him, why he was here to begin with.

Harry was still as beautiful as he was when all of this started. His eyes were lacking their old spark and he looked entirely too thin to be healthy but he was still the most beautiful man Severus had ever seen; from the angled jaw, the messy hair that never wanted to behave; the flat pale expanse of chest under Harry's clothes, his hands roughened by hard work and riding a broom. Severus could think of a million things he loved about the younger man standing in front of him, but he currently didn't have the time to think of those things.

"Harry…" Severus stopped at the look Harry got in his eyes. It was as if all his anger suddenly fled his body, leaving behind only the broken soul that felt nothing anymore.

"Severus, please just leave. The world will be better off without me. I've done my job, can't I get one moment of happiness? Can't you let me get to my happiness; something that I obviously won't find here." Harry pleaded. He looked so sad, so desperate to get to the happiness he had been denied most of his life.

But Severus couldn't. He couldn't walk away and leave Harry here to die, knowing that will be what he does. As a teacher, it went against every moral he had; being someone who cared for the man standing in front of him, it had every particle in his body screaming at him never to leave Harry again.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do that. I can't leave here knowing what you are going to do, have to live with the fact that I let you walk right into your demise. I can't." Severus said softly. He had to convince Harry to come back with him, so that he could tell the man everything; there would be no more secrets, no more ulterior motives when it came to his relationship with Harry.

Harry looked down at the ground, bringing his hands up to his face to scrub roughly at it, sliding them into his hair and curling them into the locks. He had gotten his eyes fixed a while ago, so that his glasses couldn't be used against him in battle.

He didn't know what to do. He had to get Severus to leave, and he didn't know how to do that. The man was as stubborn as he was; it would be damn hard to get him to leave now that he had his mind set on 'saving' Harry.

He let his hands drop back to his sides, resigned to the fact that his plan would have to wait even longer. Merlin, why couldn't he just get some peace? All he wanted was to be with the people he knew would love him always; something that apparently he wasn't deserving of here on earth.

He looked back up at the man that owned every part of him and watched him flinch imperceptibly, probably at the look his eyes now held. He himself had flinched a time or two while looking in the mirror.

"What are you going to do now? Take me back to Hogwarts? I bet everyone is freaking out that I'm gone. I mean, the Boy-Who-Lived can't possibly want time alone; he has to be the strong one." The heavy bitterness in his voice as he spoke the last sentence was not lost on either occupant in the room.

Severus cleared his throat, not letting himself believe that it had been that easy. Nothing was ever easy when it came to Harry.

"That would be the best idea. Mr. Weasley and Ms. Granger are very worried about you. They were incredibly distraught when the informed Professor McGonagall of your absence." Severus said, watching to see if Harry would feel even slightly guilty that he had worried his best friends. Surprisingly, he saw nothing, only providing further evidence that Harry was broken beyond repair…

No, Severus thought, he would fix the man. He would make him realize that he was loved here, that he had someone he could turn to always.

Severus knew it would take him a long time to mend what he had broken between the two, but he was a patient man. He would prove to Harry that he had made a mistake and he knew that, but he would give everything he had to get Harry back. He would make Harry see that.

"Alright. Let's go, then." Harry walked from the room, Severus following him down the stairs and to the Apparition point. Both appeared in front of the majestic castle, walking silently inside. Harry knew he was to report to McGonagall and Severus followed after him.

Tonight would be a long night.

~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~

Later that night, Severus lay in bed thinking about the occurrences of the day. He didn't know where to go from here. How would he get Harry here alone with him? He needed to speak to the man and he couldn't do that out in the open. He didn't think he could get Harry in his rooms like he had before, either. That would involve Harry remembering what had happened between them.

Damn it all! He was a Slytherin for Merlin's sake. He was born to be cunning, deceptive. He should damn well be able to think of a plan to get Harry to speak to him privately.

His mind traveled through many ideas, each one ending more disastrously than the last. He finally decided on just giving the man detention. The day had finally come when he was not able to think of a better plan than that. Hell had finally frozen over.

Severus sneered at himself before rolling over to face the door, something that he had learned to do as a spy, and laying there with his eyes closed until he fell asleep.

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor Tower, Harry lay in his four-poster bed, after he had apologized to Ron and Hermione about not telling them he was leaving or where he was going and hearing a lecture from Professor McGonagall, staring up at the ceiling thinking about what he was going to do now. The only thing he could think of was to wait until he could leave Hogwarts after graduation and go somewhere that no one would find him and offing himself there. He didn't particularly want to wait that long, but he was determined to take his life back into his own hands, meaning he could control when he damn well died or not.

He had two reasons for his wanting to die. Controlling his life for once, and wanting to _feel_ again. He thought that his soul had left without him, almost as if he had received the Dementor's Kiss. Each death of the ones he loved, the rejection of the one he need the most to heal him, it sent his soul to live with his family while he had to stay here feeling the effects of not feeling at all. It was horrible to feel this way; he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy.

His mind drifted to Severus. He reached his hand up to touch his lips, remembering the soft kiss the man had given him earlier. His chest flared subtly, reminding him of the pain Severus had caused him, the same reason why he shouldn't want to feel those lips on his again.

But he couldn't help it. No matter how much pain he felt due to him, he couldn't hate Severus. He had tried, tried so hard to hate him for using him the way he had, even though the man had known how badly he was already hurt. He still thought of the betrayal he felt when Severus had told him it was just fucking, that he was naïve to fall in love with him.

But none of that mattered. He couldn't hate Severus because he loved him too much. He loved the sarcastic remarks the man made, the sense of humor that wasn't shown to many people but he had been lucky enough to witness; the rare smiles that would tip the man's lips. But none of that compared to his eyes.

His eyes… those onyx orbs that pierced you like an arrow when he stared at you. They were so expressive when you knew what to look for; they glistened with a light that Harry had never seen before, no matter how many times he had looked at the man in defiance or anger. They showed how much knowledge he really possessed, how much emotion he had but rarely ever showed. Harry could look into his eyes for hours, drowning in their bottomless depths, learning secrets that no other person would ever know.

Finally, Harry let the tears flow that he had been trying to hold in. He thought about Severus's hands, stained from years of working with potion ingredients, the steadiness and precision that had been honed into a skill; the hands that had brought him to the highest peaks of ecstasy. He loved those long fingers, thrusting inside of him to get him ready for something much bigger between the man's legs, plucking at his nipples until they were hard and sensitive.

Harry's hand had traveled down to his hardening cock in his sleep pants, wrapping it around the base of the stock of flesh and stroking up and down as he thought of the times Severus had slid his fingers into Harry's mouth, rubbing them against his tongue to get them wet to ease their entrance into his arse.

He tears increased as he got closer to his orgasm, thinking about Severus's cock thrusting into his tight hole, how he would whisper to him how hot it was inside of him, how he could stay there forever. Harry never thought he would want to be talked dirty to in bed, but as long as it was in Severus's voice, deep and velvety, he loved it.

He wasn't in to the mood to prolong it tonight, so he stroked his cock faster, squeezing harder. Soon, he was coming with Severus's name on his lips.

He lay there panting, cleaning himself with a wandless cleaning charm, letting himself come down. His climax was a bitter sweet release, bringing up memories of a time he would never be able to have back, his tears making it not nearly as enjoyable as it used to be.

He let out a small sob as he let exhaustion take him into restless sleep, sleep filled with happier times, making them nightmares in Harry's mind.

* * *

**Hi! So, what did you think? Harry is just determined, isn't he? And stubborn as all hell. :p lol. Anyway, review and tell me what you thought. I really hope it isn't to disappointing to some of you. **

**xoxo,**

**Kitkat**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys. I'm so sorry for how long it took me to get this out. I know I have no excuse now that the summer is here, but I just get so caught up in what I'm reading that I forget I have stories that people read and want updated. And I had a sudden surge in my muse for my other story and I had to get the chapters to that out before they went away. But anyway, I hope you can forgive me and that this chapter makes up for my long absence.**

**Oh, and there is SLASH SEX in this chapter, so just a warning.**

**I own nothing. :(**

* * *

"Harry, are you ok?" Harry was startled out of his thoughts by Hermione's concerned voice across from him. He looked up into her brown eyes, silently raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" He asked not unkindly. He might be tired and have a really fucked up feeling about today, but he had no reason to be a git to the only people who gave a damn about what he was going through.

"You just look tired, is all. Maybe you should go back to the dorm and lie down for a bit. I'll make an excuse to Professor Snape." Hermione said softly, reaching out to touch his hand.

He marveled at how much Hermione seemed to care for him, and felt a sliver of happiness, though it quickly died away as he recalled just who she had mentioned.

"No, I'll be alright. Besides, I'd hate to give Snape another reason to take points from Gryffindor." He gave her a small smile in thanks for her offer of lying, knowing how much she hated to do it.

She smiled in return just as Ron finished eating, what they had been waiting for before they left the hall.

It had only been a week since Harry's return, and Professor Snape's class had been the hardest to stomach throughout the week. Although he hadn't said much to him, Harry had the distinct impression that he was watching him with a calculating eye. It was unnerving.

They walked to the dungeons in silence, Ron splitting off to go to his own class as he didn't have Advanced Potions with Harry and Hermione. Getting to the door before anyone else, they sat down and waited for the others and a certain Head of House to arrive.

About fifteen minutes later, everyone had finally shown up, and Professor Snape himself swept toward the door. He opened the door, sneering at the Gryffindors as they entered in front of him while he held the door open.

"Hurry up; I do not have all day." Severus said his deep voice filled with distain. He hated his Advanced Potions classes more so than the others because there were so many ignorant children in what was supposed to be a class meant for the more skilled few. Instead it had become a class for all of those who had managed to slip by when passing their OWLs.

The only good part of this class was that he could watch Harry without it seeming out of the ordinary. And today, he had to watch closely; he had to find something to give the boy detention over, as today was the day he intended to put his plan into action, and he was very good at finding things to pick on Harry about. After all, he had had years of practice.

He walked swiftly into the room, going to the board and tapping it with his wand, making the instructions for the day appear.

"You should know what this is and if you do not, then you shouldn't be in this class. Get started. Now."

As he watched the students get up to retrieve the ingredients needed, he mused on who he had partnered Harry with in the middle of last year, while he and Harry were still lovers. He'd been a bit surprised when Dean Thomas had been put into his advanced class, but he had been and Harry had been put with him in the hopes that he could save the potions they made together, as well as the desks and other students in the room; it wasn't as if the boy was horrible in Potions, he just got distracted too easily. Alas, his plan had worked; Harry had become much better at Potions when he had to be the one to pick up the slack for his partner.

Now, though, his thoughts were far more self-centered. With this pairing, there were always a few mistakes, even if the potion was salvaged in the end. He could use that to his advantage….

The first mistake came when Thomas added an ingredient at the wrong time because he had been staring at a container of some still live ingredient or another across the room, thus causing the potion to become a sickly green color, when it was supposed to be a pale purple, while starting to bubble excessively. Harry calmly poured the neutralizer for that specific potion into the cauldron, returning it to the color they had started with, as if the ingredient hadn't been added at all.

"Mr. Thomas, if you would pay attention to what you are doing that would not have happened. Potter, please try to keep your partner's focus on the task at hand. With that being said, if the potion doesn't come out right, I will hold you responsible." Severus said quietly, his voice a deadly whisper.

He watched as Harry simply cocked an eyebrow at him, saying nothing and adding the correct ingredient to the potion and began stirring it.

The next was neither of their faults, but Draco's fault, at Severus' prompting of course. Harry had been telling Thomas to put in the next ingredient, and had failed to notice Draco putting black rose petals into his cauldron, which wasn't supposed to be added until the very end and not nearly as many as Draco had put in. It was an ingredient that you couldn't neutralize and the effects of it were quick and efficient; the potion blew up, splattering the entire room in the now black colored liquid. Luckily, when added at that time, it didn't hurt the people it landed on, unless rubbed into the eyes or swallowed.

The entire room was so quiet it didn't sound as if anyone was breathing, all waiting for the explosion of their Professor. He never took kindly to his precious ingredients being wasted.

"Potter! What is the meaning of this?" Severus said harshly as he stalked toward the two boys that had ruined the potion. He, of course, knew what happened, but he had to put on a show.

"I don't know, Professor. We had been doing everything the board said…" Harry started but Severus quickly cut him off.

"Well, obviously, you hadn't been. If you had, the potion would still be in the cauldron and it would be a light blue. This," he hissed as he motioned around the room at the still covered walls, desks, and students. "Would not have happened, had you been following my direct instructions. 50 points from Gryffindor and a week's detention, for the both of you." Severus couldn't help but feel triumphant at succeeding in his mission.

"That's completely unfair, Professor. It was an accident." Harry said and though it lacked the old bite it once would have held, the anger was still there.

"I don't care, Potter. You not only wasted ingredients in your insolence, but you have also made a mess of my room. You deserve to be punished for that, at the very least. And if you continue to talk back, more house points will be taken and you will have another week of detention." Severus said, his voice lowered, making him sound angrier then he really was.

Harry, however, just got even madder.

But instead of saying anything, he picked his bag up off the floor and with a glare in Severus' direction, made his way towards the door.

"If you walk out that door, Potter, you will sit detention with me, every night, for three months. Add that on to losing another 100 house points and sitting back down would be the wiser option." At his words, the other Gryffindors began to urge Harry to sit down while the Slytherins snickered quietly.

Harry turned around and eyed Severus for a moment, before realization seemed to dawn on him. He narrowed his eyes and his lips tightened into a thin line.

"I'm going to do what my father would have done. I'll see in detention tonight_, Professor."_ Harry said dully, though he seemed to spit the word professor at him, and walked out the door, still covered in the black concoction that had once resided in his cauldron.

Severus knew the meaning behind those words. He also knew he deserved the flare of pain in his chest, though the pain was for a completely different reason then it would have been before. Those words reminded him of what he had done to Harry, how much pain and betrayal he had caused Harry to feel. It had been Harry's way of reminding him of what had happened between them and why he suspected Severus had done it. Before, he would have been reminded of James' free spirit, something he had loved about the man at one time.

Now, he thought of James with only fond thoughts. He had two guesses as to that. One, because he now felt the love he had once felt for the father, for the son; not because of their similarities, but because of all of their differences. Harry was never anything like James and he loved him all the more for that.

The second guess, being that he had finally forgiven the man for breaking his heart all those years ago. He had once been told that after you've forgiven someone, you think no longer on hurting them or being angry with them. You think of only their happiness, think of the good times you spent with them instead of all the bad things that happened.

Now, Severus could think of nothing but seeing Harry tonight, and finally, _finally, _having him have to listen.

~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~

Harry stood outside Severus' door, nostalgia settling in for moment. He remembered coming here and having Severus pull him into his arms and taking him immediately to his bedroom and making love to him. If only he had known then that it was all a lie. He wouldn't have let his heart get so involved.

He knew he shouldn't have come here tonight. He shouldn't have walked out the door in class earlier. He had realized just what Severus had been up to the moment he looked into the man's eyes and saw the triumph there. It had angered him even more though, and with his last words he had had to make himself leave before he attacked his professor with no liable reason, that he could tell anyone that is, as to why.

With a sigh he raised his hand and knocked softly. Upon hearing the voice that he loved so much telling him to enter, he opened the door and stepped into the room.

He didn't get the chance to do anything but close the door before he was pushed against it and his mouth was claimed by lips he was oh so familiar with.

He wanted so badly to just give in to the temptation and kiss Severus back, but he didn't and instead brought his hands up to the warm hard chest and pushed as hard as he could. Unfortunately, Severus had expected that and moved his hands away from the wall where they had been forming a cage around Harry's head to wrap his arms around Harry's waist, effectively trapping Harry's arms almost completely between their bodies.

His hands began to slap at Severus' chest, though lacking any sort of force behind them due to their current position, anything to get him to stop torturing him with the heat of his lips, the pressure of their bodies pressed together. His hands slid up to yank at the older man's hair, pulling a growl from his throat and making him kiss him harder, his tongue coming to lick at Harry's lips, asking for entrance.

Oh, Merlin, how was he supposed to fight this? How was he supposed to tell the man that he loved to stop touching him, when it had been too long since the last time? He had no idea and suddenly, all thought left his mind as Severus' hand trailed down to his arse and squeezed softly and he couldn't fight it anymore, didn't care to. No matter if this was just one night, no matter if Severus told him he regretted it and not to get his hopes up that this was anything more than a one off, he didn't care.

Just for tonight, he would let himself go and give in to what he so desperately wanted_, needed_.

His hands hooked around the back of Severus' neck, holding him close to him, and he opened his mouth to the wet organ still prodding at his lips.

He moaned loudly into his lover's mouth; it had been so long since he had felt this much passion, this much fire. He felt like it was burning the blood in his veins and he never wanted it to stop.

He was hoisted up and his legs automatically wrapped around his love's waist. He felt himself being carried somewhere he didn't care to know, as long as Severus touched him, skin on skin, soon.

Severus laid Harry gently down on the rug he loved to lay on in front of the fire, where Harry had always read and ended up falling asleep. He sighed at the fond memory as Harry's mouth began to trail down his neck, giving him sucking little kisses, leaving a trail of moisture where his mouth had just left.

Severus thrust his hips into Harry's, loving the moan he gave as their cocks rubbed together though their trousers. Harry continued to kiss him as Severus began to unbutton Harry's shirt.

Oh, fuck it had been so long since he had felt his small lover's hands on him. He had missed Harry; missed his soft lips as they caressed his skin with the utmost reverence; missed his hands that had trailed across each scar, making the memory of how he received them not matter because Harry made it feel so good when his tongue would follow his hands' path. He vowed that he was get that back; he would have this man in his arms for the rest of his life.

Severus pressed Harry farther into the rug and pulled away from his lips, a whimper of disappointment leaving both of their mouths. Staring down at Harry for just a moment, he saw the lust he was sure was showing in his own eyes projected back at him.

Not giving Harry any time to regain function of his brain, he slowly began to kiss the pale flesh that was revealed to him with each button that he loosened from its hole. He got the last button undone and pressed a line of soft kisses just above the waist band of his lover's trousers.

Harry moaned softly as Severus moved his lips up to his belly button, letting his tongue peek out and licking around the little indention before plunging into it, wiggling his tongue around, remembering the reaction it had always gotten from Harry.

He wasn't wrong in his assumptions as Harry's body began to writhe on the floor in pleasure. He smiled slightly at the reaction, but didn't dwell on the area for too long; he had other things he wanted his mouth on much more.

He leaned up to lap gently at Harry's dusky nipples, first the right than the left, while he undid the buttons on Harry's trousers. He decided he would spell his own clothes off, seeing as how he had way too many buttons on his shirt and vest.

Harry's hips lifted at Severus' urgings, his trousers and pants both being pulled off in one go. He shoes were pulled off in Severus' annoyance at being hindered any long from the treasure he so desired. His hand slowly began to stroke the erection presented to him, nestled in a patch of black pubic hair.

"Merlin, you're beautiful like this. Flushed in pleasure, lips bruised from my kisses, cock hard for me. I want to see you like this every day, Harry. I want to pound into that tight hole, make you remember who it was that caused the ache whenever you sit down. Do you want that, love? Tell me." Severus whispered, his eyes not leaving Harry's face.

Harry moaned, either at his words or his voice he wasn't sure, and panted, "Yes, Gods yes, I want that. I want it so bad. Please."

Satisfied with that, Severus leaned forward to lick gently at the bulbous head presented to him, his tongue making slow circles around it. He flicked his tongue into the slit, tasting his lover's precum.

He wrapped his lips around the tip of Harry's cock, loving the moan his warm wet mouth pulled from his young lover. He slid his mouth down Harry's length, the head hitting the back of his throat. He had long ago tamed his gag reflex; after all, he was almost forty.

He spent the next few minutes licking and sucking on Harry's pretty cock, because it really couldn't be described as anything else, mostly just to hear Harry moan the way he did. His hand reached up to cup Harry's balls, rolling them between his fingers as they continued to tighten as Harry got closer to his release.

He slid his fingers into Harry's mouth and he dutifully sucked on two digits, getting them wet for what he knew to be coming. When Severus thought they were sufficiently moist he reluctantly pulled them free of the warm wet cavern and reached down to push the tip of one of his fingers into Harry's clenching hole.

As he eased one finger in, he pulled his mouth from Harry's cock let it rest against his stomach while he moved to suck one of Harry's balls into his mouth. Thrusting a finger in and out of Harry's tight orifice, Harry moaned loudly, arching his back in pleasured pain at the stretch he hadn't had for quite some time.

Severus eased the second finger into his hole, scissoring them apart to open his lover for his cock. He kissed up the underside of Harry's cock and took the head back into his mouth, suckling gently. He soon found Harry's prostate and made sure to brush it every time he thrust his fingers back into his love's arse, listening to the breathy moans the came out of Harry's mouth.

Just as his lover was about to come, he pulled back and squeezed the base of his erection, stopping his orgasm. Harry moaned in disappointment, his eyes pleading as they stared into Severus' black orbs, but he just held on until he was sure Harry wouldn't come from a simple touch.

Pulling his fingers free he whispered, "Now for the best part." He summoned the lube to him with a silent spell. He grabbed a pillow from the sofa and put it under his love's hips to make for easier access.

Spelling his clothes off, finally giving his erection a break from trying to fight its way out of his trousers, he liberally coated his cock and Harry's hole with the lube before lining his head up with the winking entrance.

Looking into Harry's eyes, he slowly began to push in.

Harry was in ecstasy as he felt his lover push into his arse. He forced his body to relax against the intrusion, knowing how bad it would hurt if he didn't. His eyes locked with Severus' as his cock sank inside inch by inch. After so long, the stretch burned but all he could think about was the fact that his one and only love was making love to him again.

Finally, Severus was fully sheathed inside the tight hole. He stayed still while he let Harry get used to it, but that wasn't what Harry wanted.

"Move. Please, Severus, please move. Fuck me…" His voice trailed off into a loud moan as Severus leaned down to brace himself on his arms next to Harry's body, pulling Harry's legs up over his shoulders and began to thrust, long and deep. He pulled almost all the way out, rolling his hips on the way, before plunging back in. It was the way Harry had always liked it.

But now, he wanted it hard and fast. Severus had gotten him worked up and he wanted to come as Severus spurted his seed deep inside of him.

"Faster, Sev. Harder. Gods, fuck me hard and fast, please." Harry pleaded with his lover in his ear, his arms wrapping around his shoulders and holding on tight as Severus did just that, hitting his sweet spot with each thrust.

Severus began slamming his hips forward into his lover's body, groaning as Harry clenched his muscles purposefully around his cock. Without actually thinking about it, he began whispering into Harry's ear.

"Oh Merlin, Harry… so hot and tight… fuck, I could stay like this forever. Would you like that? Do you want me to stay buried in your tight little arse forever?" Severus moaned at Harry's answer was to thrust back against him, achieving deeper penetration.

Bracing himself on one arm now, Severus reached down to wrap his hand around Harry's cock and stroked in time with his thrusts. Soon, they were both coming; Harry's come splattering their chests as Severus filled him with his seed, groaning each other's name.

Severus let Harry's legs fall to his sides before collapsing on top of his lover, wrapping his arms around him, knowing Harry liked it when he did this, as they both fought to catch their breath.

After what felt like forever, Severus pulled himself out of Harry, enjoying his quiet whimper of disappointment; he conjured a warm wet wash cloth, gently cleaning Harry's body of sweat and come. He looked into Harry's eyes, seeing the confusion and hesitance in them.

Once done, he let Harry dress himself while he went to retrieve a pair of his sleep pants and a muggle t-shirt. He would never have dressed this way in front of anyone else; no, only Harry could see him like this.

Looking at Harry and seeing him fully dressed again he said, "Seeing as how you have another two hours before your detention is over, I believe we have much to discuss." He noticed Harry looked a bit nervous but he nodded anyway.

He knew they had a long night ahead of them.

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**Hi. So, what did you think? I'm kind of nervous about the sex scene, because I don't write them often, so tell me what you thought of this chapter. **

**xoxo,**

**kitkat**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey peoples! :D Well, it's been a minute, and I figured you all really wanted to see what happens next, so here it is. I hope you like it. **

**Any mistakes are my own, and I own nothing. :(**

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The tension in the room was so thick you could have cut it with a knife as Harry and Severus sat awkwardly in the very room they had just fucked in. Both were nursing a tumbler of Severus' finest whisky and even though Severus knew they had a lot to discuss, he didn't know how to get it out. He was a Slytherin, not a bloody Gryffindor. He didn't know how to deal with matters of the heart.

Severus raised his glass to his lips and sipped, enjoying the burn as it slid down his throat. He eyed the younger man across from him over the rim of his glass, watching his fingers tap nervously against his glass, how he chewed on his lip and his eyes looked anywhere but at Severus.

Expecting to have to start the conversation, Severus was startled when Harry spoke. "Why?" He said softly. Severus wasn't sure as to what he was asking for, though.

"I'm not sure what you're asking." Severus responded, keeping his voice gentle so he didn't sound like he was criticizing Harry. It wouldn't do to make Harry angry with him.

Harry took a breath before responding in a tone that spoke of deep-seeded pain, "Why did you do it?" He paused, and exhaled in what sounded like a small sob before continuing. "Why did you make me think you cared when you didn't? Why did you intentionally hurt me when you knew I didn't have much left to be hurt? Why did you feel the need to break me so completely that I think I'll never be okay again? Why are you doing this now? Why, Severus? It's killing me trying to figure out how you could be so damn cruel." By the time he was finished, Harry's voice was choked with tears and he was staring at him with such a tortured expression that Severus had to look away.

Severus had always prided himself in never doing anything that he would regret. He had only two regrets in his life; losing Lily's friendship and joining the Dark Lord. He never would have thought he would come to regret getting revenge on James Potter by hurting his son the way he had been hurt. He never thought he would fall in love with two generations of Potters.

And as he thought about it, what he felt for James was nothing compared to what he felt for Harry. Harry was nothing like his father; Severus had realized a while ago that Harry didn't even look like his father if you spent as much time staring at him as Severus did, taking more after his mother. Harry was kind, loving, and gentle; he always tried to see the good in people. He was beautiful inside and out and Severus had never regretted anything as much as he did hurting the young man before him.

And it was time Harry knew the truth.

Severus inhaled deeply through his nose, drinking the rest of his whisky in one gulp before placing it on the table. He folded his hands across his lap, straightening his back. This would be long and painful, but he knew Harry deserved the truth.

"When I went to Hogwarts, I had no idea what to expect. Yes, I had my mother's stories, but I didn't know anyone magical except Lily but I knew she would be in a different house than I. So, I was sorted into Slytherin, away from my one friend. I had no idea what to do.

"My first few months were hard, being in a house with people I didn't know, people who thought they were better than everyone else, even some from their own house. It wasn't until just before Christmas in Potions, we were assigned a project and a partner. I was partnered with your father."

Severus paused for a moment. He heard Harry's intake of breath and knew that out of everything, that wasn't the turn he had expected this story to take.

"Now, James always had the ability to charm his way into and out of anything, even at such a young age. And he hadn't been very good in Potions, though he wasn't nearly as bad as some of the students I've had. So he decided to use me to get a good grade.

"I knew what he was doing; I was a Slytherin after all. I was good at spotting deceit when it was being deceived. But I let it happen. I let him trick me, or so he thought, into doing most of the work. At that time I wasn't sure why I let him. I didn't know until a few years later.

"After the project, James and I talked every once in awhile, nothing strenuous. We partnered in Potions often, getting to know each other better, and I helped him slowly get better at brewing them. Black was especially affronted by that.

"In fourth year, though, things changed. Another project for Potions; yes, our professor enjoyed giving those. One night, while we were brewing, James kissed me, unexpectedly. He had never let on he wanted me as a friend, let alone anything more. It wasn't much; just a chaste peck on the lips. But it was in that moment that I knew why I let him use me to get a good grade from the beginning. I had been in love with him.

"From the very beginning, when I first saw him in the Great Hall, even though he hadn't been kind, I had been intrigued by him. By the confidence, the aura that seemed to surround him, that drew people in. I was caught in that, being drawn in like a moth to a flame and I had fallen in love with him over the four years we had worked together."

Harry's mouth was open slightly, his eyes wide with shock, before they began to fill with anger. "Is that why-"

He was cut off by Severus raising his hand, "Please, let me finish before you say anything." He said softly. It wouldn't do to have Harry walk out now, without hearing everything.

Though, Severus knew what Harry was thinking. And he knew that the truth would hurt much worse.

"After that night, we would meet in the empty classrooms, unused corridors, wherever we could find a place and snog for as long as possible. We didn't do anything more for about 3 months. He was my first… everything. I don't think I had ever been that happy.

"It continued for almost three years. It was about a month before our three year anniversary, though never acknowledged, that I made the mistake of voicing my love out loud for the first time. We had just finished and we were lying on a pile of transfigured pillows and I said that I loved him.

"He broke my heart that night. He told me that I had just been a distraction, a way to forget that Lily kept rejecting him, something I hadn't known. I had no idea her had ever asked Lily to be with him, and although we weren't public with our 'relationship', I had stupidly thought we were monogamous. He told me I was an idiot to have fallen in love with him. He got Lily that year, the last year of school, and it broke me to see him so happy with someone other than me.

"And I vowed I would get revenge. I didn't know how, or when, but I would. And I did."

Harry had come to the realization that he was the revenge; that Severus had decided to do to the son what the father had done to him, but he didn't want to believe anyone could be so cruel, so coldhearted that they could break an already broken person.

But, as he stared into Severus' eyes, he knew it was the truth. That Severus was that cruel.

Severus spoke quickly, "Harry, what I did… I made a mistake. I know I can't make an excuse for what I've done, I know an apology won't be enough…" He trailed off as he saw that Harry didn't seem to be listening. He swiftly slid from the chair and onto his knees in front of Harry, taking the unresponsive hands into his own.

"Harry, I know what I did was wrong, and I've never regretted anything more than I do hurting you. I will regret it the rest of my life, but there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can only try to make the future better. Please, love. Give me another chance. Give me the chance to show you that I can be the lover that you deserve." Severus finished on a whisper, his hand reaching up to touch Harry's cheek softly.

Harry's eyes had long ago spilled the tears that were being cradled there. He didn't know what to do. A part of him wanted to throw his arms around Severus and say that he would give him anything, despite the pain the man had caused him. That part was screaming in his heart, telling him Harry loved the man, and that Severus was sincere in his wants.

But in his head, all he could think about was the fact that Severus had seen him in pain, had seen him drowning in his own anguish and had pulled him up as if to save him, only to plunge him down again and hold him there. The betrayal was still fresh in his mind, the nothingness he had felt for so long; the need to end it all becoming more and more prominent in his head and heart both.

His heart was waging a war with his mind, the logical part telling him to get up and walk away without looking back; and his heart telling him to agree, to see where it could go, that anything was better than an abyss of pain and bleakness, right?

He looked into Severus' eyes, seeing something there that had never been there before. Or was that just what he wanted to believe? He wasn't sure anymore, what was real and what wasn't.

Then he remembered the care Severus had shown him when they had made love only a few short hours ago. Was that Severus being truthful, or him trying to get what he wanted, like before? Because it was obvious that Severus knew how to play someone to get what he wanted.

He didn't know, and his head was starting to hurt from all the turmoil surrounding his thoughts. He needed to think more about this, when his thoughts were more lucid, instead of the fuck ball they were right now.

"I need time to think." Harry's voice sounded almost foreign to his ears, there was so much emotion, so much pleading to his tone. It wasn't anything like what it was before this night.

And there was another thing to add to the ever growing list of things to think about. It seemed that Severus was the only one who could make him feel anymore, whether it be anger, passion, love, lust, pain, longing. All of his emotions revolved around this man.

Severus dropped his hands and felt a small stem of hope bloom in his heart. Harry might forgive him. He knew that if Harry gave him that second chance, if he fucked it off, he would never get another. If Harry gave him that, he would show the younger man that he wasn't mistaken in giving Severus his forgiveness.

"Of course, love. Take as much time as you need. I'll be here for as long as you want me to be." Severus said softly.

Harry nodded and stood from the chair he had been seated in, his legs sore from having sat so long and his bum… from earlier activities. Harry barely withheld the blush as he thought of Severus over him, pounding him into the carpet.

He shook his head at those thoughts; that was not important at the moment. With a soft goodbye from both men, Harry went up to the Gryffindor tower and Severus to his bedroom, both with the same thought going through their minds.

_I wish I knew what he was really thinking._

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**Hi! So, what did you think? I won't know unless you tell me, by clicking that little review button down there... Anyway, I want to apologize in advance that my class load this year is pretty hectic so my updates won't be anywhere near a regularly scheduled. I'm really sorry for that. But I hope I don't lose any of you, and my stories will NEVER be abandoned. EVER. **

**xoxo,**

**kitkat**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey! Well, I said I'd try to get this out over Christmas break and guess what? Here it is! I think there will only be 2 or so more chapters. It wasn't how I meant for this story to go, but my muse took over and this came out. **

**I just hope you guys like it and it was worth the wait. I think it is pretty good, if a bit rushed. So, here you go!**

**I own nothing, and all misakes are mine. I apologize in advance for that. I'm using notepad, not microsoft office.**

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There were no stars out that night. It was the night of a new moon. Even Hogsmeade was dark. There was no light that the eye could see, even from where Harry sat at the top of the Astronomy Tower on the ledge of a large window sill. It was a night that seemed to match Harry's mood perfectly.

It had been a week. One long week that felt like a century that would never end and Harry still didn't know what to do. He had thought of almost nothing else for the last seven days, and still had not a clue on what path to take.

Everything Severus had told him that night still rang in his ears as he looked out into the black sky. He didn't want to believe that his father could have been so cruel to such a wonderful person, but hadn't he seen that already? When he saw Severus' memory back in fifth year, hadn't he seen the proof that his father could be truly evil at times?

Harry sighed softly and bowed his head, his chin resting on his folded up knees. What was he to do? Could he ever trust Severus again, after all the pain he had been through because of him? Could he ever put his heart back out there, fall and actually expect to be caught this time? He just didn't know.

"Harry."

Harry gasped softly and flung his head to the side to see Hermione standing there, holding his invisibility cloak in her hand. He had been so deep in thought that he hadn't heard her come up.

He took a deep breath and quirked his lips up at the corners, an invitation to join him; one that Hermione took, sitting across from him and reaching out to gently grab one of his hands.

"What's on your mind, Harry?" She asked softly, getting more comfortable and leaning back on the wall behind her.

Harry met her eyes over his knees and let her see the inner turmoil he was going through. She looked at him sadly and immediately knew the cause of it.

"What happened in detention, Harry?" She whispered.

And so he told her. He told her what Severus had told him, the choice he had to make; the pros and cons of both options. Everthing that he had been thinking that last week spilled out of his mouth like word vomit and he couldn't seem to stop talking. He left nothing out, thinking that if anyone could help him figure this out, it would be Hermione. He mentally berated himself for not thinking of talking to her sooner.

Hermione listened attentively, not making a sound as Harry opened up to her for the first time since he woke up in the hospital wing all those months ago.

When he finished his tale, Hermione stared at him for a minute, piercing him with her gaze. She always did that when she was trying to figure out some long, complicated problem and Harry knew this might be the answer to all of his problems.

"Well, I guess that explains a lot. Why he has always been so bitter, why he never trusted anyone. That doesn't make what he did right, mind." Harry realized before she even started speaking that she was talking to herself, so he just kept his mouth shut and let her figure this out on her own.

She blinked once, then again and focused back on the boy in front of her. He looked so small sitting in front of her, arms around his knees, hugging them to his chest. He was so strong; he had defeated Voldemort, for Merlin's sake, and the loss of his love was enough to drive him to suicide. Harry had been through so much; he deserved to be happy.

And Hermione knew the only way for him to be truly happy was for him to be with Severus Snape, greasy dungeon bat extraordinaire.

"Harry, how do you feel when you see him? Leaving out the pain." She asked gently, already knowing the answer, but needing Harry to see it himself.

Harry's brows furrowed for a minute, cocking his head to the side before his face cleared of all expression, except for the small smile on his face.

"I feel... I feel peaceful. I feel like nothing can hurt me as long as I'm staring into his eyes, as long as I can see his face. It's like I'm walking through darkness and he the beacon of light in my life. Nothing has ever made me as happy as him; not leaving the Dursleys, not seeing Sirius and my parents. Nothing." Harry said softly.

"And without him? How does that feel?" She questioned.

Like a switch ahd been flipped, Harry's face clouded over and tears welled in his eyes as he whispered, "It's like all the hope I've ever held has been snatched away. Like nothing can ever make me feel again, like I've been Kissed by a Dementor. Without him, I feel like I could welcome Death with open arms and it would be a blessing. I don't care about anything when I can't be with him. Almost like he is the only thing keeping me sane, holding me to this world and making me... feel."

Harry had looked away from her and a tear had made its way down his cheek, going unoticed by the boy as he thought of the nothingness he had felt these last months.

"Harry," Hermione called out softly, drawing his attention back to her and away from the nightmare Harry looked to be reliving. "I think you know your answer." She said.

Harry blinked. And again, and then again as he thought about all that he had just said and how Hermione had made him see what really should have been obvious all this time.

Harry sniffed and nodded slowly. She was right. How could he have even thought that there was ever any other option then to forgive Severus. He could never have happiness any other way.

He unfurled himself gently, wincing as his knees cracked from being in that position for so long... Which was how long, exactly? He didn't know, and he really didn't care at the moment.

He had a man to get to.

With that thought, Harry smiled for the first time in months.

~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~

Severus sighed as he stared into the dwindling fire in front of him. He should have known this was coming, he really should have expected it after everything he had done to Harry.  
The last week had been hell for him. He missed Harry terribly, and having let himself hope, the feeling of despair as the days wore on without Harry's answer had only grown more unbearable. Harry had not shown for his detentions, so Severus had no way of even guessing at what he was thinking.

He should have guessed that no matter what he said, Harry would never forgive him, no matter how big his heart was. How could anyone forgive what Severus had done to an innocent man, let alone trust that person with their heart again.

As the night drew closer and closer to midnight, Severus shed a lone tear. He had waited until midnight every night all week in the hopes that Harry would come to him, with no luck.

As the fire finally extinguished, Severus lost the last bit of hope he had been holding onto. By this time, he could deduce that if Harry really came to him, it would be to tell him he couldn't forgive what he had done. Severus knew that was exactly what he deserved and he vowed that even though Harry couldn't forgive him, he would never give his heart to another the way he had to Harry. He would watch as Harry found his happiness elsewhere and be happy that Harry had moved on to someone better for him than Severus ever could be.

Dejectedly, Severus moved toward the bedroom, but was interrupted by a light knock on the door.

It was like time had stopped. Everything in him soared at the thought that maybe, just maybe, all hope wasn't lost.

No, he couldn't think like that yet. He had to see who was at the door first. And even then, it might not be a good thing if it was really Harry outside.

Despite himself, his heart sped up and began to pound into his ribcage, trying to get out and get back to the person it truly belonged to; the person Severus hoped was on the other side of that door.

Moving slowly, daring not to to hope for the best, he reached the door and opened it soundlessly...

Only to find no one on the other side.

Severus stifled a sob and closed the door, turning and dragging his feet to his room. Without looking at anything, he stripped his clothes and finally let his tears slip down his cheeks.

Pulling on a pair of sleep pants, he turned and almost had a heart attack from the shock of what he saw.

There lay Harry Potter, under the covers with Severus' side of the bed ready for him to get in. He had a shy smile on his face and patted the bed invitingly. Seeing the tears on Severus' cheeks, though, made the smile fall from his face.

"Sev? What's wrong?" Harry asked worriedly, moving out of the bed and letting Severus know that Harry had intended to sleep naked.

Harry looked up at him, moving his hands to cup Severus' cheeks, wiping away his tears. "Sev?" Harry whispered again, looking at him with a love he didn't deserve but was too selfish to ever turn away again.

"Harry." Severus sobbed, wrapping his arms around his love and holding on for dear life as he cried into his hair.

"Oh Sev. Sh, don't cry. Everything will be alright from now on. I promise. Everything will get better." Harry whispered, slowly rubbing his hand up and down Severus' back, while running his fingers through the soft black locks of hair.

They stood there for a long while, long after Severus had stopped crying, just holding each other close, Harry's head over Severus' heart with Severus' nose buried in Harry's messy hair. Severus never wanted to let go.

Harry pulled back gently, keeping his hands on Severus' neck, looking into the deep obsidian eyes of the man who put life into his soul and whispered, "We'll talk in the morning. Right now, let's just sleep, okay?"

Severus nodded his head, feeling drained from the crying. He still didn't quite believe that Harry was here, willing to just jump back into bed with him, but he figured that if he was dreaming, it was the best dream he'd had in a long time.

Slipping into bed, they fell asleep with arms and legs intertwined, assuring difficulty in moving.

It was the most peaceful night's sleep either of them had had in as many months.

* * *

**Well? Whatcha think? Let me know. Reviews inspire me to write faster... *hint hint* **

**xoxo,**

**Kitkat**


	9. Chapter 9

Severus inhaled deeply as the first threads of consciousness slipped unbidden into his mind. He didn't want to wake up. He had had the most pleasant dream; Harry had come to him the night before and had willingly entered his bed again.

Severus cuddled the warmth next to him and imagined that the dream the night before had been real, breathing out slowly as a smile slipped onto his lips.

A giggle escaped the warmth he was snuggling, making Severus snap his eyes open and realize that he hadn't been dreaming. That Harry was really here, in his bed, resting contentedly in his arms and it made the smile grow bigger as he pulled back slowly to look into Harry's deep emerald eyes. He was beautiful.

Seeing Harry's sweet smile he whispered, "Good morning, love."

Harry's reply was to lean up and gently place his lips to Severus' thin ones, coaxing a response from them, wrapping his arms around the older man and drawing him on top of him and in between Harry's legs.

Pulling back panting, Severus looked down into the warm eyes that he loved so much and didn't know how he had gotten so lucky as to get another chance with the man he had hurt so deeply. He didn't understand how Harry had seemed to just forgive and forget so easily, to be able to look at him the way he had before Severus had caused this rift between them.

With a put upon sigh, he said softly, "I believe we have to talk."

Harry's eyes turned serious as he nodded. "Yes, I believe we do."

Getting up reluctantly, Severus made his way out of the room, stopping to slip a shirt on over his head before going to make coffee. He had a feeling it would be needed this morning.

As he prepared the coffee, he heard Harry slip his clothes on and follow him, moving to sit at the small kitchen table; watching as Severus moved around the kitchen with a small smile playing around the corner of his lips.

Bringing two cups of coffee to the table, one with a splash of cream and two spoons of sugar that he slid across to Harry and his own black coffee that he took a sip of before sitting it down, he took his seat across from the younger man.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each trying to figure out where to start before both speaking at the same time.

"Harry-"

"I guess I-"

A small smile tipped Severus' lips as Harry let another giggle escape him.

"You were saying?" Severus asked teasingly, making Harry smile slightly before his face became serious once again.

"What I was going to say was that since you explain why the other day, I might as well tell you what you want to know. Now, please let me get this out, alright? No interuptions." Harry said, giving Severus a mock stern look earning a little smile and a nod.

Harry looked away for a minute, presumably to collect his thoughts before taking a deep breath, "When you found me that night in the Astronomy Tower, I had never thought that something so simple as an innocent invitation would turn into what it did. I never thought you would be able to look at me as anything but a burden, a look-a-like of my father. When you confessed to me about your desire to be with me a couple of month later, I was ecstatic. Your kiss was like nothing I'd ever felt before..."

Harry stopped and his eyes took on a dreamy look for a moment before he physically shook himself from the memory of that night.

"You made love to me that night, you know. Whether you meant to or not, if it was part of the plan, I don't want to know. But it was the most special night of my life. You made me feel so... beautiful, for the sake of sounding like a girl. Something I'd never felt before. It was that night that made me think that maybe I deserved love, maybe I could find my happiness in you; that not everything had to end in pain.

"Over the summer, that thought was only solidified as you continued to talk to me, to keep me company when no one else would. I stopped having nightmares and only had beautiful dreams about what it would be like to see you again, to feel your body against mine; to rest my head over your heart and hear it beat as I fell asleep."

At this point, Harry's voice had dropped so low that Severus had to lean closer to hear him. It was as though Harry thought the pain would come back if he spoke of it too loud.

"That was what got me throught the summer; the thought of the year to come. When it came around to school starting, I was so excited to get to your rooms that night and feel you again, and when it was all said and done and I said that I loved you, I felt like such an idiot when you told me I was nothing more than a fuck. My heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest and stomped on when you told me to leave. It was the last straw; the last blow I could take. I broke and after I made sure that Voldemort was dead, I tried to kill myself.

"I'd never felt as free as I had that night, flying through the air to what I thought would be the reprieve from the... nothingness I had been feeling since I had lost you. I was like nothing mattered anymore, that you were all I had to live for.

"Failing was definitely humiliating, I'll tell you that. I couldn't even kill myself right, how could I ever make anyone happy? How could I ever be what someone needed in a partner? When I didn't see you, I knew it was really over. So I waited and made sure everyone had begun to think I was getting back to normal and I left in search of a place to kill myself without the hindrance of wards to stop me.

"And then who would be the one to find me, but you of course. And you kissed me and it felt... It felt like everything would be alright again. I was still so hurt and angry, no matter how far back I pushed the emotions, and you had just told me you would do anything to keep me alive... I thought that you were just doing it for that reason, no matter how good it felt.

"I came back with you and you made me so angry in Potions not a week later. I realized why you had been doing everything you could to get me into trouble, to get me alone, and I couldn't resist trying to hurt you, if only to make you feel a little bit of the pain I was feeling. It was petty and childish, but it was all I could do without being conspicuous.

"And then you attacked me that night and I just couldn't fight what I wanted so desperately anymore. You were the only thing that made me feel again, always have been and I couldn't say no. Not when I wanted it just as badly as you seemed to.

"When you told me everything that night, I couldn't believe it. All week, everything you'd told me kept repeating in my head. I couldn't stop thinking about how desperate you sounded, how hopeful you seemed to be to get me back. It wasn't until last night that I had some sense talked into me." Harry smiled slightly before continuing.

"Hermione found me thinking in the Astronomy Tower; don't look at me like that, just thinking. She gave me some insight on how I felt with and without you and I realized, that there had really never been another option. You were always the only choice I had, no matter how badly you'd hurt me. Because without you, I feel nothing. I would never be able to find happiness with anyone else.

"You, Severus Snape, are my everything. The man that makes me whole, that fills that void in me that I didn't even know I had until I'd lost you. You seemed so shocked last night to have me in your bed and you cried..."

Severus flushed softly at the rememberance of his tears. But he had been shocked, shocked that Harry would be so willing to be with him again, looking as though he had never even been hurt, like he trusted Severus completely again.

Harry smiled slightly at the look on Severus' face, "Sev, I just said that I can't live without you. How could I hold a grudge against the man that is my everything? You are the reason that I wake up in the morning. It might take awhile to get back to the way we were, but I could see it last night, and the night a week ago, you really truly regret hurting me. And that is all that I care about."

Severus was stunned. Harry was going to forgive him completely and let him have the chance to make up for the last few months, make up for the pain he had caused Harry. He would make sure that Harry never regretted his decision to take him back.

Dropping to his knees in front of Harry, he took the man's hands into his and kissed the backs of them gently. "Oh, Harry. You have no idea how much this means to me. I will do everything I can to make you happy, to show you that you deserve the world."

Harry moved his hands up to Severus' face and cupped his cheeks, leaning down to kiss the lips of his lover.

Severus stood up and brought his arms around Harry's body, leaving the younger man to wrap his legs around his waist, carrying him back to the bedroom as Harry laughed softly, happily.

They didn't leave the bed for the rest of the day.


End file.
